


hemophilia

by nihilistporcupine



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Character Study, Community: doitin1, F/F, F/M, Gender Roles, Misogyny, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, betrothal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:20:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7625434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilistporcupine/pseuds/nihilistporcupine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say a woman's first blood doesn't come from between her legs, but from biting her tongue. — Mai, fifty sentences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hemophilia

 

01\. _eye_

Girls ought to be seen and not heard.

02\. _pyjamas_

It's past curfew at school, but Azula has snuck into Mai's room all the same, hair unbound and dressed only in her nightrobe because she's never cared about propriety: "do you really think my brother's more interesting than I am?" she hisses close to her ear.

03\. _oil_

The almond oil is slick between her fingers as she works it through thin strands; she imagines just taking a shuriken and slicing all her hair off, sometimes, and the thought brings a secret smile to her face.

04\. _king_

It makes perfect sense that a toddler is no fair trade for a king (and Mother and Father do love him so much more than they love her.)

05\. _sparkle_

Ty Lee is frivolous, Ty Lee is annoying, Ty Lee is stupid and a tease and forces her to confront things she'd much rather leave buried— but Ty Lee is also the only person she knows who is painfully, brightly _alive_.

06\. _fizz_

The tips of her knives are very, very sharp, and her head is very, very loud, and there is so much sunk deep beneath her skin that she'd like to expose—

07\. _tower_

She's never been a demure maiden, sitting and waiting for a prince to save her; lying flat on her back, atop what passes for a bed in the Boiling Rock, she hopes that fucking idiot Zuko appreciates what she did to save him.

08\. _music_

Two girls play in the courtyard, because Princess Ursa thinks that quiet little Ayakura Mai's quiet little hobbies will rub off on her hoyden daughter — Azula, dangerously bored, calls over her brother on the pretense of demonstrating Mai's skill (really just to see her blush and drop her shamisen in the dirt).

09\. _green_

Mai's stolen Kyoshi Warrior uniform makes her pale skin look even more sallow than usual; she adjusts the tiara on her head and wonders, not for the first time, if even Azula's ego might be satisfied after taking Ba Sing Se.

10\. _softly_

Hesitant, conscious of the space between them after three years' separation, Mai presses her lips against Zuko's and wills herself not to swallow him whole.

11\. _weapons_

"Don't let your mother see them," Uncle Daisuke orders gruffly as he slips her the set of throwing knives and pulls her into a one-armed hug— giving his niece the only birthday present she likes that year.

12\. _trickle_

A sudden rush of blood between her legs, and Mai sits miserably as the cook ladles red beans and rice into her bowl, as her father talks about filing a new betrothal contract with gold pieces in his eyes.

13\. _sprint_

There is no time to stop, no time to think or consider or debate; she throws one knife and then she throws another and Zuko lives.

14\. _variety_

She sees no difference between the girls of her station at the academy, their pouting mouths and stifled laughs and measured steps— this, Mother says with satisfaction, is what a lady should be.

15\. _maintain_

 _Daddy burned Zuko's face off we're moving to the Earth Kingdom you're not ever going to be good enough look at your little brother_ — and Mai refuses to allow her face to change, because she doesn't care, she doesn't care.

16\. _marshal_

Ty Lee had to be threatened within an inch of her life, but the fog and mist of Omashu have so warped Mai's brain that she would've gone on a slaver's wagon out of there, much less answer Azula's call.

17\. _perfectly_

She will never be pretty or charming enough for her parents, never be obedient enough for Azula— but her knives always, always strike their targets.

18\. _smashing_

Zuko leaves, fucking _again_ , and she breaks the stupid fucking seashell he got her and throws out all the stupid fucking fruit tarts in the kitchen and slashes the stupid fucking portrait they had done— not that the temper tantrum will bring him back.

19\. _litter_

The curtains are thin and gauzy, and she fears that even in the dim light they will be exposed; Azula bites down hard enough on her neck to leave bruises as she draws a hand between Mai's legs, desperate to reclaim what Zuko's taken.

20\. _dark_

She stays awake through red days that blend into red nights, incapable of tuning out the Boiling Rock's mechanical hum— do you miss me Zuko do you miss me (I miss you.)

21\. _angle_

Her mother was so desperate to worm Mai into the royal family any way she could; from Lu Ten to Zuko she's passed like a sack of rice, and the only thing she will ever thank her father for is not allowing her betrothal to Fire Lord Ozai.

22\. _falter_

You're betraying your country, she'd once rasped so well, a good little patriot— she counts cracks in the ceiling to try to forget razed villages, burning huts, children limping with missing limbs.

23\. _sex_

It's gentle, with Zuko, his hands stroking her hair and counting each individual rib before he pushes her thighs apart— not like Azula, who sees sex as an extension of battle, and one she doesn't intend to lose.

24\. _torrent_

Everything comes pouring out of her mouth on top of that gondola, like water from a swollen river; _you were wrong about me, I love Zuko more than I love you, you finally miscalculated and I have brought you so low right before I die._

25\. _creed_

Mai doesn't believe in auras, or the spirit world, or love, or hope, or justice— Mai doesn't believe in anything, anymore.

26\. _allow_  
  
She lets Zuko peel away layers of her one at a time, lets him ply off the sarcasm and the flippant remarks and the bored sighs until he reaches something raw and wounded at her core, and she can't remember being this furious in a long time— _leave me alone!_

27\. _narrowly_

Right before her betrothal contract can be notarized, Ty Lee runs away to the circus, leaving only a note full of half-hearted apologies— Azula rages, and Mai just wishes she had the courage to do the same thing.

28\. _portrait_

Her face is obscured by her heavy bangs, and Zuko's scar is all-too-prominent, and neither of them can manage to maintain a smile, but she still loves it.

29\. _vile_

"My son was going to be a lucky man," Fire Lord Ozai drawls as sweeps a strand of hair off of Mai's face, and she fights the urge to vomit all over his robes.

30\. _crafty_

I'll give you anything you want, Azula promises— money, jewels, weapons, a way out from having to marry a man you don't love, a life nothing like your mother's— as long as you never dare tell me no.

31\. _master_

No matter what Mai has to do— dig her nails into her palms, bite her tongue until it bleeds, draw her blades down the insides of her thighs— she will not cry again.

32\. _muster_

That's great, Dad, is all the enthusiasm she can produce once she learns that her family is being moved to Omashu— what difference does it make to her if she's bored in the Fire Nation or the Earth Kingdom?

33\. _hat_

It's new, and made from expensive silk, and her mother told her to not get it dirty for all the spirits' sakes before Princess Ursa saw it on her— none of that stops Azula from setting it on fire.

34\. _out of the blue_

I love you, Zuko says suddenly when they're tangled up in bed together, I love you, I love you— (you're the only thing keeping me here, our days are numbered, he does not say.)

35\. _always_

Her scars are neat and orderly and very ugly and _permanent_ ; Zuko and Azula both trace them with light fingers, and they don't have to ask questions.

36\. _tag_

You're it, Mai— time to drag home the boy you (once?) loved in chains, whether you like it or not, and don't ask stupid questions about what he did to deserve his fate.

37\. _heavy_

I knew nothing, she tells a deranged, wild-eyed Azula; he left me nothing, she tells a bellowing, humiliated Fire Lord; the weight of her lies is lighter than the weight of betrayal would ever be.

38\. _because_

Because I said so, her mother answers, her tone arctic-cold, because we have your father's career to think about, because you will _not_ write letters to that coward prince any longer he is _nothing_ now.

39\. _round_

Well-rounded noble girls are supposed to know tea ceremony and fan dancing and embroidery— throwing shuriken was never part of this equation, and maybe the way her parents purse their lips is why Mai likes it so much.

40\. _high_

They miserably smoke a bowl of opium together after the eclipse, purple bruises patterning Azula's arms and tears snaking out of Mai's eyes despite her best efforts; when Azula presses their mouths together and pushes her onto her back, she's too dizzy to feel anything at all.

41\. _happiness_

These are the moments she holds onto, as she raises her blade— turning somersaults with Ty Lee, Zuko's hand tight in hers, even (especially) Azula shoving a boy into the dirt for pulling her hair ribbon loose.

42\. _warm_

Her mother coos over Tom-Tom's crib and her father plies him with soft playthings— Mai's parents don't ever let her so much as hold her brother, though.

43\. _going down_

Right around the time Mai shoves a pillow over her head to drown out the Kyoshi Warriors' screams, she figures she's damned, and finds that she really couldn't care less.

44\. _winding_

Azula twists Mai's arm behind her back after Princess Ursa says to play nicely, and Mai wrenches free and slaps her across the face, and that's the beginning of an inauspicious friendship.

45\. _door_

I've been wanting to do this for that entire war meeting, Zuko murmurs as he pushes her up against the just-closed door, kissing down her neck— she tries not to notice the desperation, as though he's touching her for the last time.

46\. _tree_

Mai used to like climbing trees even if she ripped her dresses in the process, pretending she was an Air Nomad as she jumped out— pretending to be free.

47\. _sunken_

They've all fallen so far since they were kids messing around in fountains, haven't they?

48\. _floor_

She lies on the carpet, sometimes, after Zuko leaves once and again after he leaves twice, before she remembers that throwing knives always makes her feel better than this.

49\. _darning_

Mai stitches herself back together every time, no matter what happens and no matter who thinks they can wound her— but at the Boiling Rock, the mask shatters for good, and she's never been so happy to stop pretending.

50\. _church_

By some miracle they all survive the war, Zuko and Ty Lee and her idiot parents and even fucking Azula, and maybe— just maybe— Mai can give belief in the spirit world a trial run now.


End file.
